Dear D-Bag

Dear Movie Theater,

One reminder to turn my cellphone off is plenty. I don’t need six. Yeah, I counted, and you reminded us to turn our phones off six times. If I don’t turn my cell off after the first two reminders than I’m too stupid to be at the movies anyway.

After the third reminder I had turned my phone off and then back on just to be a badass. And guess what it was on the whole time. And it buzzed. And then I responded to a text. Oh, and by the way, if you actually looked around the theater you’d see that everyone has their phones on. So why don’t you just stick to two reminders.

You also don’t need to display it in some catchy way. “Do you think your phone dreams? You can wait until after the movie to find out” And as much as I enjoy watching Billy Crystal receive a call from his dry-cleaners in the middle of watching his own movie, I’d rather you just flash one or two bold PLEASE TURN YOUR CELLPHONES OFF reminders and get to the movie.

Your Paying Customer,

The Guy Who Finished His Popcorn Before The Third Cell Phone Reminder

Dear Wrinkly Old Guy At The Gym,

Wow. I want you to know that I’m not mad, and that I still respect you and your age. I just won’t be able to eat or sleep for a few days. I respect your self-esteem but I would just like to give you a few pointers so that you don’t spend the rest of your latter years as a nauseating stick of saggy mess.

First of all, why not try sweatpants? Their comfy and just as efficient as sweat shorts. Plus, the next time you get on the exercise bike, you won’t have to worry about smacking me with you excess thigh skin. That’s a win-win right there!

Second, maybe you could take your socks, and burn them. I can’t imagine when you got those but I assume it was around the last time the Cubs won the pennant.

Also, give deodorant a try. I know that this new technology is a little hard to get the hang of but it would greatly benefit both parties.

Finally, when a man becomes your age, a towel would be appropriate in the locker room. It’s just common sense.

These are just a few things that I would recommend you do going into the new year. I don’t know about you but I think that these sound like great resolutions to me!

Best Regards,
Your Friend From The Gym Who Has A Great Deal Of Respect For You Even Though You Keep Calling Me Stevie

P.S. My name is Daniel, not Stevie.

Dear People Who Wear Their Pajamas In Public,

I don’t know if you’ve realized, but throughout the history of mankind, the one thing that has stayed pretty consistent is the use of clothes. Real clothes.

I just wanted to let you to know that when I saw you, thirty-five years old and still in your Hello Kitty pajama pants and a T-shirt(probably 3 sizes too small) that you got from an amusement park that closed seven years ago, I was absolutely appalled. Is it really that hard to put on a shirt and pair of pants that you didn’t go to bed in? You don’t have to look good, quite frankly I don’t care how you look, as long as you actually get dressed! When you get back home, walk around naked for all I care. I would just appreciate it if you could muster up the energy to get dressed like everybody else. Even pajama jeans would be okay and I’ve been told yoga pants are very comfortable.

Really, the thing about you that bugs me, is the laziness. That you don’t even get dressed to leave your house. I never look good at home but the second I leave my house, I make sure I look put together. I don’t always look good, but I always make sure that I’m dressed. Especially if I’m at a place where I might run into someone I know. But you clearly don’t have the time or energy. It’s almost as if Target is going to run out of groceries.

Sincerely,

The Guy Who Had To Walk Behind Your Lazy Ass While You Picked Out Every Sugared Cereal Box That Was On Sale

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What do you think? Who annoys you? Do you have any D-Bags in your life? Let me know in the comments! Or, email me your letters at deardbag99@gmail.com. Thanks for reading!